Sept. 25, 2008 - Put Me In, Chief . . . Maybe

Top 10 Reasons I Would Not Be A Good Race-Car Driver

10.  Can’t get any good Prince tunes on in-car radio

9.   NASCAR frowns on texting and talking on your cell phone while driving

8.   I don’t have the same cool dance moves as Kasey Kahne

7.   No potty breaks

6.   PMS

5.   Can’t reach the pedals

4.   Nobody would be able to see my cute new earrings under my helmet

3.   I wouldn’t be able to nap on Sundays during the race anymore

2.   Coach has yet to come out with a snazzy pair of high heel fireproof shoes

1.   A woman would think it was silly to drive around in a circle for 4 hours without asking for directions.

Top 10 Reasons I Would Love To Be A Race-Car Driver

10. Men would jump over walls to hand me drinks and fill my car up with gas

9.  I would never have to wear Spanx under my driver’s suit

8.  Free sponsor swag

7.  The world needs more “women driver” jokes

6.  My father would finally understand what I do for a living

5.  Looking into the stands and seeing my name spelled out in festive colors across men’s bare beer bellies

4.  Endless supply of Diet Coke

3.  The expressions on the other drivers’ faces when I use caution laps to re-apply my lipstick would be priceless

2.  Living on Lake Norman would no longer be a financial dream, but a NASCAR requirement

1.  Due to contractual obligations to wear a baseball hat with my sponsor’s logo, I would never have to fix my hair to go to work. I also would not have to wear make-up as my contracted sunglasses deal will help shade my eyes.

Sept. 19, 2008 - Examine This

OK, so as usual on Friday afternoons I have two Web sites that I religiously check. One being NASCAR.com to see how my husband’s team has faired in practice, and the second is JaySki.com to catch up on all the interesting rumors within the NASCAR community. Imagine my surprise when today, instead of the normal listing of what drivers and crew chiefs have lost their rides and jobs, I see the blaring headline “Free Prostate Cancer Screenings at Dover.”

Now, I am all for any type of free healthcare, so please do not take this the wrong way.  However, I have spent more than 11 years working on the NHRA and NASCAR circuits when daily I would pass the drunk campers wearing the hats with beer cans on each side of their heads and straws leading to their mouths, lined up with huge signs attached to their tents, campers, or lean-to’s that said, “Free breast examinations, check inside.”

So, you can imagine my first thought when I read about the free prostate-cancer exams. I thought to myself, “Women’s lib finally hit racing. You go, ladies!”

However, as I read further, I found out that this is a legitimate venture by Petty Enterprises to help promote prostate-cancer awareness. Any male NASCAR fan at the Dover race this weekend can stop by the Fan Zone for their free blood test and screening. 

So, if you are a male and in the age category to be at risk for prostate cancer, please stop by for the free screening and free t-shirt. I am just hoping the t-shirt doesn’t say, “I Came to Dover and all I Got Was a Prostate Exam and This Lousy T-Shirt.”

That being said, ladies, I have not seen any legitimate press releases about free breast exams. So, unless you read an update from me by Saturday, just keep moving quickly past the parking lot doctors. Remember, a bonafide healthcare professional does not practice out of a Coleman tent.

Sept. 4, 2008 - If Soccer Moms Ruled

Every time you watch a NASCAR race on Sunday you are bound to see at least two out of the 43 drivers act like children and retaliate against each other for a minor incident on the race track. If not, you will at least see a lot of pouting and whining to a reporter about what happened to result in a less-than-perfect finish that was everyone else’s fault and certainly not their own. When watching these moments sometimes I think to myself, “I would never let my son act like that”. That is when I began to wonder what would happen if soccer moms, like myself, ruled NASCAR.

First, I guarantee NASCAR wouldn’t have to worry about fining Dale Earnhardt, Jr. or Tony Stewart for bad language ever again. Instead, a mom would be right there to wash their mouths out with soap, take away their video games, television and cell phones until they could learn not to use vulgar language.

Second, there would be no need for those nasty port-o-johns that line pit row.  These are just germ-filled buckets, and I cannot figure out how people use these unsanitary things. I often feel the need to stand outside them with a bottle of hand sanitizer pumping a squirt into the hands of each driver and crew member as they exit.  I notice a lot of drivers use them at the last minute before they get in their cars after driver introductions. Now, if moms were in charge there would be a 10-minute break for all drivers and crew members to use the potties and freshen up before they leave their buses or garages.

Third, I promise you there would be no fighting or retaliating before, during or after the race.  I know this because there would be an official mom who would march up to them, grab them by the ear and pull their fannies out of their race cars so quick their heads would spin. They would then receive a quick time out before they were forced to apologize to the other person for their behavior. Afterwards, they would have to sit through the “If you can’t behave, then you can’t play anymore” lecture. Believe me, that long-winded lecture is enough to straighten up any unruly child.  I might even top it off with a quick, “Do you know how many boys would love to be out here racing right now? Driving and playing with race cars is a privilege, not a right.”

Yup, we soccer moms would clean things up in a jiffy, and if NASCAR ever needs any other of my many tips they can find me here behind my desk at National Speed Sport News or at our local soccer field.