IndyCar Series fan-favorite Helio Castroneves won the Indianapolis 500 twice, but last month, ABC seemed oddly fascinated by Castroneves’s year-old victory on “Dancing With The Stars” program.
There was the newly crowned dancing champion, Kristi Yamaguchi, up on the starter’s perch, waving the green flag. Maybe the network went National Enquirer on Castroneves because the show had sparked rumors that he was dating dancing partner Julianne Hough, rumors that led to his fiancee halting the wedding. And Hough was on hand to sing the national anthem. Oh, say can you see the promotional excess of it all?
Danica Patrick and Ryan Briscoe twirled around with each other in the pits late in the May classic. But they just don’t seem to have the same rhythm. Their 1-2-3-slap, 1-2-3-punch just has an awkward cadence. Besides, some imposing security guard already has cut in on the pair. And Briscoe seemed relieved by that. Let’s vote those two off before we start!
So, why not turn to drag racing for some lively dancers? Actually, “Dancing With The Stars” producers already have. Two years ago, they invited Ashley Force to be a celebrity contestant. Their schedules didn’t mesh, and she declined.
But surely someone in the NHRA pits is game.
Not wanting to step on anyone’s toes, we randomly auditioned several NHRA drivers for “Dancing With The Stars” consideration.
Top Fuel legend Shirley Muldowney ruled herself out. She said she has absolutely no interest in doing the Cha Cha with Connie Kalitta.
Tony Pedregon is on the list. He practiced some fancy footwork while training to be a boxer in his pre-Funny Car racing days.
Funny Car rivals Melanie Troxel and Tommy Johnson, Jr. seem like the perfect combo on the dance floor. After all, they’re husband and wife, and they danced at their wedding. Wait a minute, though, should we stop them before they quarrel about who gets to lead?
Hot Rod Fuller? Automatically disqualified. With his height, his partner’s strategic assets would be at eye level. This straightline Top Fuel driver might be distracted by dangerous curves. Doug Herbert has the opposite problem. At 6-foot-6, though, he is nimble enough to fold himself into a Top Fuel dragster. And fans still remember Herbert’s two-to-tango starting-line shoving match with rival team owner Peter Lehman. So Herbert’s a possibility.
Top Fuel’s Alan Bradshaw said at this year’s Gatornationals that he wanted to catch a real-live Florida alligator and take it home to Texas. He certainly would find clutching his dancing partner for a lively spin much more enjoyable than reptile-wrestling. Besides, if he got a little rough, he’s a chiropractor and could adjust whatever slipped out of line.
Antron Brown is another excellent prospect, after waltzing into the Top Fuel class this season and qualifying first at the opener and winning two of the first six events.
Three-time Pro Stock Motorcycle champion Angelle Sampey can do one-armed push-ups, kickbox and perform various forms of martial arts. So, she has the stamina, flexibility and courage to try it — when she isn’t trying to beat her own national-record pass of 6.871 seconds in the quarter-mile.
Now that we’ve scouted the dancing talent among NHRA pros, we’ll move on to our next project — enlisting Tony Stewart for a “Dancing With Susan” series.